Still Chosen · free guide

Am I Imagining This?

Recognise the patterns of mobbing

You are not unreliable for being unsure. The confusion is the design — not a symptom of something wrong with you.

Ten minutes. Twenty-five questions. One rule that tells a difficult job apart from something organised.

It can come back either way. That is what makes it worth doing.

02

One of seven

Something changed, and you cannot say when

Your environment has changed and you cannot point to the day. It is as though everyone is keeping a secret you are not part of. You ask, and the hesitation that comes back is remarkable.

The hesitation, the side glances, the whispers, sometimes the snickering — it becomes too consistent to keep explaining away. You are left out of a family gathering. Your congregation seems to know something you do not. The talk at work stops when you walk in.

And still, none of it is proof. No single piece of it tells you anything on its own.

That is not an accident. It is the method.

This can happen anywhere people are organised: churches, workplaces, families, neighbourhoods, whole communities, or several at once. The word for it is mobbing.

If you react before you can describe the pattern, you will sound as though you are reaching. They will say you sound unwell. That outcome is built in — it is what the scattering is for.

What happens next depends on whether you move with precision, or react in the dark.

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You should not have to work this out alone.

The Shift — live with me, Saturday 24 October, 10am New York time. Thirty minutes on the part of you that stops you before you move: where it came from, what it is protecting, and what to do when it speaks. You leave with the worksheet filled in, not a folder of things to do later. The recording and certificate are yours to keep.

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This is an opportunity to rebuild what was taken, starting with thirty minutes.

03

Two of seven

The rule that decides it

In 1990 a psychologist named Heinz Leymann published the first proper study of this, built from three hundred interviews with people it had happened to. He found forty-five distinct behaviours, and that they fall into five groups: what you are allowed to say, who you are allowed to know, what people believe about you, what work you are given, and what it does to your body.

One hostile person produces ticks in one group. A group working together produces ticks in several at once.

That is the signature. It is not how many things happened — it is how many different parts of your life they happened in. A manager who dislikes you attacks your work. Mobbing attacks your work and your reputation and your contacts and your voice, because different people are doing different parts and none of them thinks of themselves as the villain.

The five groups are Leymann’s, not mine. The structure is his research; the wording of the twenty-five items is mine. You can check the groups against the paper — the full citation is on page five, and the paper itself is his work, not something I am offering as my own.

04

Three of seven

Recognise the patterns

Count the groups, not the ticks.

Tick anything that has happened more than once. Once is an incident. Twice is a pattern. Be honest rather than fair — you are not building a case here.

1

Say

2

Know

3

Believe

4

Work

5

Body

1What you are allowed to say

You are interrupted or talked over, and other people are not. You raise something and it goes nowhere, repeatedly, with no reason given. Your emails and messages go unanswered, while others get replies. You are criticised in front of people, and praised — if at all — in private. You have started rehearsing ordinary sentences before you say them.

2Who you are allowed to know

People stopped meeting your eye, and you cannot say when it began. Conversations change or stop when you arrive. You were left out of something, then told you were imagining it. Someone who was friendly has gone cool, and will not say why. You have noticed that people are careful about being seen with you.

3What people believe about you

You are being gossiped about — not once, but incessantly. Something you said came back with the meaning changed. A concern was raised about you. Never to you. Your character is discussed in places where your work should be. Quick and careless assumptions are made about your ability.

4What work you are given

Work that was yours has quietly moved to someone else. You are given tasks far below what you can do, or nothing at all. You are given tasks that cannot be completed, then held to them. Information you need arrives late, incomplete, or not at all. A review appeared that matches no feedback you were ever given — or no feedback ever came.

5What it is doing to you

You are sleeping badly, or waking at the same hour every night. Sunday evening has a feeling attached, the feeling of dread — anxiety, fear, doubt, or even unexplained illness. You are losing concentration on things you used to do easily. Your body has started producing symptoms your doctor cannot place. You have thought about whether the world would be easier without you in it.

05

Four of seven

When it has gone further

These are not scored. They are the shapes mobbing takes once it stops being deniable.

Talk about your character has turned indecent. It is no longer about your work or your conduct. It is about what sort of person you are — your morals, your sanity, your private life — and it is said to people who have never met you.

Things about you are circulating that you never made public. Something you told one person in confidence, something from your file, something from your home life, now known by people who had no business being told.

The exclusion has stopped being social and become total. Not just lunch and corridors — meetings, information, invitations, greetings. The absence is now complete enough to be policy.

Everyone holds a piece and nobody will give you theirs. Each person knows one part of what has been decided about you. No single one of them will tell you, and each can honestly say they only knew a little.

Raising any of it makes you the problem. The moment you name what is happening, the subject changes from their conduct to your reaction. This is the mechanism that keeps targets silent, and it is the most reliable sign of all.

If you are being followed, watched, or disturbed at home

Being stalked, having your home interfered with, or being deliberately deprived of sleep is a crime. Seek the assistance this guide cannot give you.

Please do not use a checklist for this. iamstillchosen.com/safety lists who to contact, and is honest about what it cannot do.

“It occurs as schisms, where the victim is subjected to a systematic stigmatizing through, inter alia, injustices (encroachment of a person's rights), which after a few years can mean that the person in question is unable to find employment in his/her specific trade. Those responsible for this tragic destiny can either be workmates or management.” Leymann, H. (1990). Mobbing and Psychological Terror at Workplaces. Violence and Victims, 5(2), 119–126.
Cited here as a source. The paper is Heinz Leymann’s work and is not mine; the copy linked is hosted by mobbingportal.com, which has no connection to Still Chosen.

06

Five of seven

Reading what you ticked

If you ticked the last item in group five, stop here and tell someone today.

United States — call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any hour.
Canada — call or text 988, the Suicide Crisis Helpline. English and French, any hour.
United Kingdom — call Samaritans on 116 123, free, any hour.

You are not weak for being worn down by something designed to wear you down.

How long has this been going on?

Under 3 months 3 to 6 months 6 months or more

Groups ticked

0 / 5

Items ticked

0 / 25

Nothing ticked yet

Go back to the checklist. The reading changes as you go, and it is the number of groups that moves it — not the number of items.

This is yours to work through, and it is designed to stay that way. Nothing you tick is saved, sent, or stored anywhere — not by me, not on this device. Close it and it is gone. If you want to keep what you found, write it down somewhere that is yours.

It is meant to steady you, not stir you up. You are still capable of acting with dignity in the middle of this, and acting deliberately is the whole advantage you have left.

07

Six of seven

What this is not

It is not a diagnosis. It is not evidence, and it will not stand up anywhere. It is not legal advice, and I am not a clinician.

It is one thing only: a way of looking at a scattered set of small events and seeing whether they have a shape. That is worth something, because the scatter is the weapon.

The four things to do this week

Start dating things
Today, not when it gets worse. One line per entry: the date, what happened, who was there. Facts only — not how it felt, which is the part that gets used against you. Keep it somewhere that is yours, not on anything your employer owns or can reach. If you are not sure where is safe, there is a page about exactly that at iamstillchosen.com/safety, and it is honest about what it cannot protect you from.
Tell one person outside it
Not to get advice. To have one human being who knows the shape of it while it is happening, so that you are not the only witness to your own life. The single strongest predictor of recovering from this kind of harm is being believed by somebody.
Stop submitting evidence to people who already reached their verdict

You have been building a case for an audience that is not judging. Every careful explanation, every extra hour, every attempt to be so obviously reasonable that they have to see it — that is the part costing you most, and it is the part that will never work. The verdict came first. The evidence was gathered afterwards to fit it. This one is the hardest, and it is the one that gives you your life back.
Keep the record for someone who can actually act
Stopping the arguing is not the same as stopping the recording. Your dated record is not for the people doing this; it is for whoever eventually has authority over it. Keep it factual, keep it somewhere safe, and take advice before you hand it to anybody. Reporting frequently makes things worse before it makes them better — in one survey only 35.6% of targets ever protested, and the reason given was the belief that speaking would worsen it. Knowing that in advance is not a reason to stay silent. It is a reason to be ready.

Keep the four actions

Shall I send you this?

You will not remember four things by Monday. Nobody does — and the week is when you need them. Leave an address and the guide comes to you, so it is still there when it is useful rather than when you happened to find it.

Your answers do not come with it. Nothing you ticked leaves this page — the only thing sent is the address you type above. Consider sharing your email, we’ll send you the free Newsletter and Podcast updates. One click to stop it.

Sent. It will reach you shortly. You can also download the PDF right now — eight pages, yours to keep and print. The Monday letter starts this week.

Download the PDF — 8 pages

Ten free places · live on Zoom

There is a word for it. It is mobbing.

You were not chosen at random. You were chosen because you were undeniable.

The Shift — Saturday 24 October, 10am New York time.

Claim a place — by Tue 13 Oct

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If you have read this far, tell me whether it helped. What landed, what did not, and what you would add. Your answer shapes the next person's copy.

Write to hello@iamstillchosen.com with “The guide” in the subject.

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Sorrina Jolie De Noir · Recovery Strategist and Coach · Still Chosen. I am not a clinician. Nothing here is therapy, medical care or legal advice. If you are in danger, contact your local emergency service.
On the threshold: Leymann's criterion is usually given as at least six months of weekly conduct; some later summaries say a year. Six is used here because it appears more often in the work closest to the original.